A Journey Back to MySelf

My life has been an incredible voyage of learning, healing, and teaching.   As a child, I experienced the worst of human nature. My adult life has been dedicated to seeking out that which helps us choose and experience the best of what we are capable.   Through my journey of healing and working with countless clients, I have gained a compassion and understanding of the dynamics of transformation that is invaluable. I joyously bring who I am and all that I have learned to each new client and group.

Welcome to the story of my life. (It's my story, but not who I am.)

This is kind of ironic as part of my teaching is to get out of our stories that keep us in separation where we functioning from ego instead of being able to function from what Tom Stone, founder of Core Dynamics calls the “Knower, Known and Process of Knowing”. In other words, as we stay in our story, such as thoughts that we keep playing in our head over and over (those pesky thought that just won’t go away) this keeps us from the most precious part of ourselves, which I will call Source. In other words, we live in a state of separation from that most precious part of ourselves.

I lived the first 40 years of my life wishing I was dead and feeling like a total misfit in this place we call Earth.

My father died when I was 18 months old leaving a six week old baby, my younger sister, a brother three years older and an older sister who was five years older. My mother left at that time, leaving all of us with my father’s older sister and her husband. In our present-day society, Aunt Mary and Uncle Clay would be called mentally ill as well as very very abusive. My uncle would go into these psychotic episodes and start babbling and grab his gun and head of into the woods. Since we lived on a farm, no-one was around to know any of this except on occasions when he did not return and the neighbors would form a search party. The interesting thing was that the neighbors all saw Aunt Mary and Uncle Clay as these saviors who took in the poor homeless children and gave up their lives for us.

They did not see the sexual abuse that took place as well as the horror stories we were told about my mother having killed my father for allowing the hospital to perform a spinal tap and that my mother's family would try to kidnap us so we lived in constant fear. My Aunt hated my mother with a  passion.

My mother floated in from time to time to visit, making promises that as soon as she remarried she would come get us. I saw her as God and the only savior I could see at that time.

I grew up feeling totally abandoned and hating myself. I quit school when I was 15 after my stepfather and I had a fight and moved out into a rented room and got a job.

My life was a total mess and I functioned from a place of a tough rebellious kid but lived in total terror all the time.

At 30, after two divorces, I started therapy, which started me on a path of seeking, knowing there had to be something else besides what I had experience those first 30 years. I started attending classes at a junior college and became involved in Unity Church and took many classes seeking answers.

I started nursing school when my daughter started college as I wanted to be a therapist. I thought if I could be a psychiatric nurse then I could go on and become a psychologist. During that time I began to seek the deeper meaning of life and began to form a relationship with a God that I saw as a Being totally outside myself. At some point around the age of 40, and as I got into 'A Course in Miracles' group in 1978, I began to have some periods of not wishing I was dead.

In 1980, I went to work at a hospital in a Pain Management Unit as a nurse and was in training to become a psychologist. I attended a Reike Workshop in 1981 and that began my path as a healer outside the regular medical profession, which opened up many doors. I then took Therapeutic Touch and started doing some healing work. Psychology was my real love though, and I realized I had this relentless pursuit of being all I could be, which meant for me to keep digging into those deep crevices of my being to find out more and more.

My personal life was totally chaotic as I went from dysfunctional relationship to dysfunctional relationships as I could not stand to be by myself. I had to have that constant validation from another person and if that was not there in the way I envisioned it should be, I was off to another relationship. Then there came a day when I got in less and less relationships and began to get out of them when I found myself in another dysfunctional relationship. I now have not been in a relationship for 8 years and love being by myself.

I pursued one-on-one therapy for many years and continued to attend any workshop that I thought would get me to that magic place of being whole.

I attended Michael Ryce’s workshops for years, as well as many other well known teachers. I did Inner child work of Bradshaws and became know for my Inner Child Classes. I attended anything and everything I got that would help me heal.

I moved to Sarasota after a head injury, and I was going to retire when, attending a co-dependency group and listening to the participants talk, a new door opened. The participants did not understand the inner child and could not get in touch with their Inner Child. After listening to this for a couple of weeks I felt so guilty as this little voice kept saying "you could help them" that I invited a group over to my house. This started my teaching classes which led to running a child abuse recovery group, Inner Child groups and bringing something called the Light Course to Sarasota. Then I took Harville Hendrix training and became certified in Imago Therapy.

I became disillusioned several years as I saw myself and others cycling back through all this old stuff.

I was guided to leave Sarasota in 1997 and went searching for something that would get to the core of people's issues, as well as my own. Again, I got involved in several great paths, and, after a while, it was "Well this is great, but something is still missing so I jumped from one cutting edge path to another." After learning and practicing SRT, EFT, plus many others, I became involved in Access Energy Transformation and thought this was the final path but after becoming a facilitator I again saw after a couple of years that I was stuck on another Plateau. I decide to move back to Sarasota and thought that a new place would be the answer and it was in the sense after getting 40-50 people to attend Access classes I knew something was missing, as good as I thought Access was I knew there was something else. I quit Access and took some Classes with Self Discovery which got me back into my feeling as in Access they proclaimed if you did the clearing statements that would go to the root of our issues but I did not find that happening. I  again was asking God for guidance of what was my next step when a former Access student told me about The Wave Maker and Core Dynamics and what  a huge difference this had made in his life. I hung up the phone after telling him I was not interested in some machine and this little voice said you ask for guidance then you don’t listen when it come. I called him back and asked him for the website  and the minute I went on the website and started reading I knew this was something I was being led to look into further.

I bought a WaveMaker and enrolled in a couple of courses and started training to become a Wave Maker/Core Dynamics coach.

As I pursued The Core Dynamics program using the Wave Maker I saw huge shifts in myself from feeling totally separate and living in my story to my mind becoming very quiet and recently feeling like I was having a love affair with myself. For the first time in my life I have a sense of  Source being inside me rather than something out here some place. I practice doing the Core Dynamics daily, and, each time I listen to my classes or have a session, I feel a completeness I have never experienced. I am learning to love me and find myself moving more and more from a place of taking 100% responsibility for all the experiences in my life. I have lived my life from the place of being a victim whom all these things happened to. Now I KNOW that I am creating each and every thing that I bring into my life.

The way I create my reality is that each of us projects an energy (vibration) that attracts to us MATCHING vibrations, determining what flows into my life. So, if I don’t like what comes to me, it is not about the other person it is about me, not them. If I did not have that in me, they would not be in my life. They are just grand mirrors showing me parts of myself that I keep hidden.

I have lived my life from my intellect even though I was very psychic and would know what to do, but, due to old conditioned responses (which is part of Core Dynamics), I would not follow my intuition. I now know what stands in the way of me being totally present and from following my intuition. I am working daily on shifting this.

Another big thing I would like to mention was from being so abused I learned to function from a feeling of separation from Source. I lived Trying to Force an Outcome, because I felt that, even though I talked about God a lot, I did not really feel that I could really trust and know that I would be taken care of.  This created a lot of fear around living in uncertainty and having to know what, where and when everything was going to happen. This caused me to be very rigid and untrusting so that I felt I had to control everything. I now live in a place of feeling into the fears of not knowing and being able to be comfortable with not knowing anything beyond this moment. On those few occasions that I feel fear, I am able to go within and move out of it within minutes.

My life journey, indeed, has covered tremendous ground in moving from pain/ego to awakened living. My passion is helping myself and others to realize greater levels of awareness and joy.